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Women Redefining Success and Power: How Embracing Feminine Values Will Save Us All and Create a Society that Truly Thrives

2013-06-06T04:36:21Z

Read this article on the Huffington Post>>

If you’ve been paying any attention lately, you know that women’s leadership is a hot topic right now. It’s about time! I’m especially inspired by Arianna’s work with The Third Metric, which is adding a valuable perspective to this important conversation. As a woman’s leadership expert and coach, I’m passionate about helping women more fully embrace their natural strengths, namely their feminine capacity, as a key to success in business and in life. Compassion, Empathy, Collaboration, Connection, Candor – these are examples of feminine traits that are preferred when it comes to success and leadership, according to a recent global survey. What would be possible if we based our definition of success and power on these values? And more specifically, what if women embodied these traits more fully?

My own experience working inside a Silicon Valley tech company taught me that contrary to popular belief, women were NOT exhibiting the character traits so commonly referred to as ‘feminine.’ To my shock and horror, most women were hiding their emotions, their passion, and compromising their ability to be collaborative and build consensus by showing up more like men. What I began to realize was that in order to stay competitive and be taken seriously in a business setting, women had been hiding their natural feminine gifts and abilities and adapting to a more male-centric model and approach.

This presented a big problem for me when I was given the opportunity to step into a leadership position at the ripe old age of 25. When I took a look around for a female role model I could look up to, all I saw were women acting like men, including our then CEO, Meg Whitman. As an up and coming manager, I had to decide – was I going to lead like a man, or was I going to try something different? Being the rebel that I am, I opted for going against the norm and decided I was going to stay true to myself. So on the first day of my task force meeting with a group of executives, I walked in and declared “I have NO idea what I’m doing and I really need your help!” I was half expecting that statement to undermine my credibility and authority, but to my surprise, it had the reverse effect.

What transpired over the following year was nothing short of miraculous. Instead of controlling all the details of the project, I built trust with my team by asking for their help and empowered them to participate fully in taking ownership of their tasks. Instead of bottle-necking the decision making process, I empowered people to make decisions and got out of the way. I inspired my team with a strong vision and built relationships with the main players, so if I ever had a problem, I knew who I could go to for a quick solution. Through the courageous act of being vulnerable, I was able to successfully pull off one of the biggest challenges of my life: producing a 10,000 user- conference for eBay.

The icing on the cake for me was the end result. We had one of the highest attended conferences of all time, and my team came up to me afterwards and said how much they enjoyed working with me. Attendees at the conference said they felt cared for and how well organized the conference was. To me, this was validation that my experiment had not only worked, but it rocked! And that’s when it hit me. Instead of using a command control and authoritarian leadership style (more traditional, male-centric), my experiment to lean into my natural strengths as a woman are what led me to the biggest success I had experienced to date.

That’s when I came to the conclusion that the biggest obstacle to women’s advancement in business was the fact that we were trying to conform and adapt to an outdated model not very suited for the 21^st century. I began to think what else might be possible if women stepped more fully into their authentic, feminine leadership. And I began to get excited about the possibilities and impact that could have on business and in the world.

That experience is what led me to transition into a career that would allow me to help women realize this for themselves, without the pitfalls and risk-taking I had to endure. And it’s what has led me to co-host the upcoming Women & Power Leadership Forum on June 7^th in Silicon Valley - a first time conference I’ve been spearheading along with an incredible hosting team including Kathy Jourdain, Linda Guzzi, Regina Getz-Kikuchi and Suzanne Thompson. This forum will be geared towards bringing together top women leaders in Silicon Valley from different generations (C-Suite to Millennials) to engage in a day of deep dialogue about how we can redefine success and power so that it’s more sustainable for ourselves and for the planet. Our vision and hope is that by closing the generational gap and building a community of women who truly support one another and embrace their feminine strengths, we’ll be able to bring back the balance this world so desperately needs.

Please leave your comments and thoughts as we’d like to engage you in this conversation as well. What is your definition of success and power in the 21^st century? What traits can women (and men) embrace to truly thrive? What are actions you can take to create this shift in yourself? What type of community or network would best engage and support you in creating this shift?

The Future of Work: the Art of Collaborative Leadership

2013-05-10T22:51:25Z

The way we work is shifting. We see that in subtle ways and other times in not so subtle ways. Even traditional companies like Deloitte are investing in people development, realizing that it is the best resource they have to stay ahead of the curve. Those with a real competitive advantage intuitively understand innovation and creativity as essential to meeting market demands and crucial in facing our collective sustainability challenges. The future of work as we know it is shifting from an outdated directive approach toward collaborative frameworks that inspire us to engage in new and different ways with our work and with each other.

This elusive concept has always intrigued and intimidated me, so I began to question my own assumptions I held about collaboration. One of my current projects has given me an opportunity to explore and experience my own leadership in a collaborative environment. For the last six months, I have been co-designing and co-hosting the Women & Power Leadership Forum, using collaborative processes based on Art of Hosting principles. Together with Kathy Jourdain (an experienced steward in the work of Art of Hosting), whom I thank from the bottom of my heart for embodying collaborative leadership so beautifully and supporting my discovery of this, as well as a wonderful hosting team, this experience has provided rich learning for all of us in exploring what it means to be collaborative and uncovering the traits required to cultivate it.

Decision by Consensus?

One of the big beliefs I made up about collaborative work was that one most come to decisions by consensus; if there were any outliers, you could not forge ahead. This seemed an exhaustive and almost impossible task when you think about how hard it is to get a group of people to agree on anything. Just look at what happened with the Occupy Movement - decision by consensus just doesn't work especially when you're talking about scalability. To my relief, I discovered making the final decision wasn't as crucial as was the process in making the decision. Team members must have a chance to voice their opinion through open and honest dialogue, and everyone must have an opportunity to explore the issue together. This process is integral to collaborative decision making (even though that term seems like an oxymoron!). Once you've gone through this exercise, themes and patterns emerge, and through collective sensing, a solution or decision emerges. Not surprisingly, the solution or idea is often better than what one person could have come up with just by themselves.

Leaning In vs. Leaning Out

Another assumption I held was that a strong vision was enough to inspire collaboration. Turns out, it's not enough. As leaders, we assume that leading means doing it all. For many of us, fear of failing and embarrassment have us hanging on to control. We take on more than we should, we step on toes, and we micro-manage without meaning to. Not surprisingly, the signal this sends is that "she's got it covered." Women tend to do this to a fault - we take on more than we can chew because we are good multi-taskers and want to prove our value, so we take it all on and in doing so, prevent others from stepping in. This is where the now proverbial "leaning in" approach is NOT effective. By "leaning out" as leaders, we give our people a chance to lean in. This creates an opportunity for them to take responsibility for the tasks at hand, to step in and contribute more fully and engages them in a way where their best ideas and input are brought forth. For perfectionists and control freaks like me, this can be one of the biggest challenges to overcome. Learning to let go and trust others is crucial to create the space for brilliance to shine. Finding the balance is where this practice becomes an art form.

Vulnerability as Strength

The single most significant piece of learning for me has been around understanding how vulnerability is the key to success in any collaborative process. We've got it all wrong in our work ethos. We believe vulnerability is a weakness. We are afraid to admit we don't have the answer for fear of being seen as incompetent. Our need to prove our worth and value and the fear of shame all leads to creating separation. What I have found over and over again in my leadership journey is that when I am wiling to be vulnerable, share my true feelings no matter how embarrassing or weak I may be perceived, when I am able to truly listen to feedback and be willing to receive it without taking it personally, these acts are powerful beyond measure. This is a secret superpower that everyone possesses, but not everyone has the courage to enact. It takes a willingness to fail and learn from your mistakes, to risk the shame that comes along with it. But the rewards are bountiful. It's the quickest route to creating trust in any relationship or group process. It creates an environment where others feel able to open up and share their feelings, stimulating input, ideas, and solutions. It allows us to be human, and realize that we are all in this together. It opens up our hearts and reminds us that it's not about the bottom line, or even the next big idea. It's about being in relationship; the learning and experiences that show us who we truly are.

Gratitude

I would not have had the chance to be in this learning process if it weren't for some pretty spectacular women. I'm humbled by the experience of working in collaboration with women who have volunteered their time and energy for an idea I am deeply passionate about. As challenging as it is at times for me, they always hold me up to my highest potential, give me honest feedback, defend me and believe in me. Sometimes the best learning comes when others are courageous enough to voice their truth. I'm grateful for the opportunity to work with women who have the capacity to do that in a supportive way. Learning to give credit and acknowledging your partners and team mates goes without saying, yet how many times do we just breeze over that? Being humble, setting your ego aside, and letting go of the need to shine are unique aspects of collaborative leadership which are hard to learn, and hard to teach. For many of us, this is counter-intuitive to the competitive nature of business. But it's an integral part of how we operate as human beings and it's the key to collective success.

The Outcome

The proof is in the pudding they say. You might be wondering how this collaborative process worked out in the end. We're still in the middle of it, yet what I can report is that we are successfully co-creating a first-time event which is almost nearly sold out (we still have a month to go), there is a buzz about it in Silicon Valley and support from far and wide. As hosts, we will continue to practice these processes on the day of our event, as we co-host a day of deep dialogue for the multi-generational women leaders who will participate that day. We aren't attached to any outcomes. What we do know, however, is that our attendees will walk away having experienced collaborative process and leadership. And that alone will be a work of art.

Why Femininity is the New Operating System of the 21st century

2013-04-19T03:53:50Z

Read this article on The Huffington Post

The topic of women’s advancement in leadership is getting a lot of attention these days, thanks to Sheryl Sandberg courageously opening up the conversation and asking women to lean in, and Adrianna Huffington referring to this time as the coming of a second women’s movement, among others. More and more people are sending a clear message – there is a real need for women’s leadership and feminine values in our organizations and in the world.

I recently ran across a Tedx talk by John Gerzema who believes that “femininity will be the operating system of the 21^st century.” Yes, you read that correctly. He is a man who thinks the feminine values are the way forward, and talks about the Athena Doctrine in his new book. He surveyed 32,000 people on masculine and feminine traits as it relates to happiness, leadership, morality and success.

What he found might be surprising for most. Through his research, he discovered the essence of a modern leader is feminine; a more expressive type of leader who shares their feelings and emotions more openly and honestly. Obviously, this is in direct contrast to what we find in traditional power systems. Those surveyed also preferred a leader who was capable of long-term planning for the future rather than thinking politically, aiming for short term gains. They valued leaders who were patient and reasonable, who could build consensus and get things done. Resilience and decisiveness were important, but so were being patient, passionate, loyal and selfless. He calls this Athena style leadership after the Greek mythological goddess.

Although slightly surprised that it took a man to come out of the closet on this, I’m glad he did. I strongly believe that if we are to tackle the big world problems of the 21^st century, more women and men need to embody feminine values and principles. The hierarchical, top-down command and control approach just isn’t working anymore. Everywhere you look, systems are crumbling. Economies, financial systems, social systems are all breaking down. The world is aching for new, more balanced structures and values.

One of the most prominent thinkers and authors of our time, Charles Eisenstein, describes this as:

“The present convergence of crises––in money, energy, education, health, water, soil, climate, politics, the environment, and more––is a birth crisis, expelling us from the old world into a new.”

Whether we’re conscious of it or not, all of us are collectively engaged in birthing a new story of the people. Most of humanity knows deep down that a more connected, interdependent and collaborative society is possible, and really the only way forward toward a more sustainable future. The first step is to admit that our current systems are broken and need to be replaced. The second step is to begin visioning a more beautiful world we all know is possible.

Let’s explore what the new world could look like if we redesigned new structures based on the feminine. We might see flatter organizations and less hierarchy, making it easier for collaboration and innovation to flourish. We might have more of a sense of community, going back to the concept of “ the village” where we trust our neighbors for childcare, as an example. Our collective value set would let us view success as how happy, healthy and creative we all are instead of the net worth of our 401K. And we wouldn’t be worried just about ourselves, but realize that we are all somehow connected and need to take care of each other, as human citizens of the world.

Obviously, we would live in a much different world if it were based on a feminine outlook.

It’s time that we have this broader conversation about the world and society we live in. It’s not just women who suffer, we all do. This impacts every single person living on this planet. The values that have helped us advance from the industrial age to the technological age are outdated. We need to begin seriously looking at our major institutions, challenging them to embody more balance. In order for this to occur, men have to begin thinking more like women, and women must re-learn how to express their natural, feminine qualities after decades of acting like “men stuck in a woman’s body,” trying to compete and succeed in a man’s world.

The values or qualities that can be characterized as more “feminine” – collaboration, connectedness, interdependence, sharing, inclusiveness – these are the values we need to build back into our leadership, our institutions and our society. Women mustn’t continue trying to conform and fit-in to the mold, instead they must be examples of this change by embodying their own intrinsic, natural capacities more boldly. Collectively, we must shift our values to include sharing of resources with each other, protecting the planet, and creating communities of sacred economies where our gifts have meaning and value. We must embody that change within ourselves and have the courage to go against the grain. Your future, our future, depends on it.

Truly Leaning In

2013-03-21T00:28:53Z

Read this article on The Huffington Post

Sheryl Sandberg’s new book, Lean-In is a welcome conversation starter to a topic that has stayed dormant for far too long in the context of women’s advancement in the workplace and in the world. For a few decades now, women (at least in the western world) have been enjoying the freedom and independence of the “shattered glass ceiling.” We are now more educated than ever and have just as much economic buying power as men. On paper, the feminist movement has achieved most of what it set out to accomplish for women – equal rights, equal pay (well, almost), and reproductive rights and freedoms.

Blame it on getting too comfortable, or to a generation removed from the battles won by the feminist movement of the 60’s, 70’s and 80’s, or on sheer complacency, but for far too long women have been accepting the status quo, which in reality is far from perfect. Thanks to Sandberg, we are reminded that our work isn’t over. We as women still have challenges. By naming and defining a few of what those are, especially for women who want to have it all, Sandberg has opened up the conversation up for debate, and that can only be a move in the right direction when it comes to women’s issues.

As you’ve heard by now, Sandberg’s idea of “leaning-in” consists of a push strategy – one that has us thinking like a man about our career. She coaches us towards giving more to our careers, staying longer in them and persevering through the guilt, shame, and sheer exhaustion women experience when juggling family and career. Her mantras are “equal partnership”, and “don’t leave before you leave.” But are these real solutions to the real challenges for 99% of women who aren’t wired like Sandberg?

For decades since breaking the glass ceiling, women have pressured themselves to “be more like the boys” to compete in a man’s world. This strategy worked up to a certain point, helping us gain respect and prove that we were as competent, capable and intelligent as men in business. We decided to leave family out of the equation, not demanding that our work schedules or work environments adapt to our needs as mothers, caretakers, wives and so on. We bullied on, left our emotions at home, and were thankful for small pittance, like 6 weeks of maternity leave or flexible working hours. Somehow, we felt like we would be seen as “less than” a man if we asked for more or spoke up about what a woman really needs in juggling work and home life.

The silence continues to this day. Sandberg has missed a huge opportunity by shifting blame on women and demanding they step up and play like the big boys. Here’s a thought: instead of trying the same old strategies of acting like men, how about we try something radically different and start acting like women?

Leaning-in for me means something completely different than Sandberg’s definition. I define it as a true lean-in – one that requires you to be both vulnerable and trust others. Imagine two people leaning into each other, facing each other with their arms stretched out, hands touching. It’s only a true lean in when both sides are giving of themselves and are willing to let the other support them. For far too long, women have been conditioned to lean only on themselves and trust themselves – showing up as strong, independent and able to take care of themselves. Is that realistic, especially when we play so many roles and take on so much responsibility? Is the only solution demanding men split responsibilities at home and be equal partners?

I say it isn’t. Its not sustainable and we know it. Women are more burned out, stressed out and sick because of it. And we’re unhappy. If social equality and more freedom and independence were supposed to make us so happy, why aren’t we? What is preventing us from fully realizing ourselves?

In my opinion, it’s mainly because of the way we’ve approached our predicament. We’ve gone about it the wrong way. Instead of embracing our natural capacities as women, we’ve shunned them. Rather than leaning into our vulnerability and using it as strength, we’ve become self-reliant and self-protecting. We’ve pushed ahead, mostly alone, instead of allowing our lives, especially our careers to unfold naturally and asking for help along the way. And most saddening of all, as women, we’ve been our own worst critics and have worked against each other for far too long. The result is that we feel unsupported, especially by each other. With few women role models who exemplify a true feminine, yet powerful style of leadership, we have taken on the characteristics of men. Without supportive networks of women, we spend too much time competing. By compromising who we are, we’ve compromised our place in the world, and it’s working against us. The good news: it’s not too late. And Sheryl’s idea of leaning in, albeit slightly redefined version could actually help us get back on track.

The answers are staring us in the face. And they’re not hard.

Let’s begin leaning into each other as women, practicing kindness and compassion with one another. Let’s be kinder to ourselves and not put so much pressure on ourselves to have it all, right this instant. Let’s redefine success so that it encompasses all of who we are, and makes room for all of our hearts desires – career, family, fulfilling relationships, health, happiness. Let’s invite men to help us, allowing them to play their proper role in the equation. Most importantly, let’s lean in to ourselves – by breaking down our inner glass ceiling and stepping fully into our feminine, leaning into our vulnerability, trusting our intuition and opening our hearts. This is the real definition of leaning-in and I propose that we join this movement. And I invite Sheryl to be the first one to join the ranks.

What I Learned at Wisdom 2.0

2013-03-06T19:39:24Z

After receiving several requests from friends to share what I learned from attending the Wisdom 2.0 conference in San Francisco, I decided to do just that. Here are a few reflections and pieces of wisdom from my recent experience.

I think it’s first worth mentioning that Wisdom 2.0 was started four years ago by Soren Gordhamer, who wanted to explore his curiosity about the intersection of the digital world and spiritual world. He was feeling “disconnected” in an increasingly connected digital age and began asking questions that stemmed from that growing tension. Can we really stay centered and mindful with so much innovation, fast pace and change in our technologically advanced world? And if so, how could we possibly put down our iPhones long enough to achieve that?

Wisdom 2.0 began with a small group gathering four years ago to explore that very question. Fast forward to 2013, the conference attracted 1600 attendees as well as high-profile speakers like Bill Ford, CEO of Ford Company, Jeff Weiner, CEO of Linked-in, and Evan Williams, Co-Founder of Twitter, along with spiritual leaders Marianne Williamson, Jon-Kabat-Zinn, and media mogul, Arianna Huffington among others. Turns out Soren isn't the only one interested in the convergence of mindfulness and technology, at least not anymore. All of them had pieces of insight to offer that were both inspiring and hopeful about the future and how mindfulness can enhance both our technology and our lives as human beings.

One of the most powerful presentations I attended was not from a heavy hitter at all. It was by Rollin McCrathy, Psychophysiologist, Researcher and Vice-President at the Institute of HeartMath. If you happened to watch the documentary I AM, you might remember him featured in that film (he was the guy with the cool 80’s gold-rimmed glasses). He was speaking about global consciousness, heart coherence (sustained positive emotion) and the earth’s magnetic field. It turns out that the magnetic field of earth is constantly affected by our solar system, especially the sun, and these vibrational frequencies affect everything on Earth, including human beings. Do you sometimes feel overly confused, frustrated, or emotional? It probably has something to do with the earth’s field. So what if the reverse were also true - strong collective human emotions can affect the earth’s field? That is what Rollin and his team are working on with The Global Coherence Initiative, developing advanced sensing technology to observe changes in the earth’s magnetic field to test the hypothesis that the earth’s field is affected by mass human emotion, positive or negative. The idea is that if enough people maintain heart coherence, this could build a reservoir of positive energy to benefit the planet by helping bring balance and stabilization to people, thereby making it easier to find solutions to problems like climate change, the destruction of the rain forests, poverty, war, hunger and other global issues. Pretty cool stuff, and for those of us who are more app focused, you can begin playing with your own heart coherence by downloading the GPS for the Soul app, featured at the conference, developed in conjunction with Huff Post.

The second most interesting theme at Wisdom was the topic of empathy and compassion and how it positively affects our health and the way we relate to each other, most significantly in the context of the workplace. Anthony Jack, Professor at Case Western gave a presentation called Cultivating Empathetic Design in an Analytical World. What they’ve found through cognitive neuroscience is that when we are using our analytical brain, we essentially “turn off” the emotive brain. People tend to be better at using one part of the brain or the other, and not surprisingly it turns out that women are better at empathy, and men at analytics. However, we can train our brains to become more proficient on either side, although it comes with a cost of losing your proficiency in the other area. Yoga and meditation have been shown to increase performance in empathy so there’s still hope for those engineers out there. Put this in the context of user experience and design, and it becomes imperative to think empathically to be able to understand your end user, but more importantly, as Jack states, it’s essential to preserving our humanity, particularly our kindness. I couldn’t agree more.

As an executive coach, most of the work I do centers around developing the skill of empathy for high-level executives to better lead and manage their teams. It might seem obvious, but it’s surprising how many people haven’t fully developed empathic skills, like listening. The good news is there is a lot of opportunity for us as organizational coaches and practitioners who work in the field of leadership development to work with our clients, and now we have the science and data to back it up. For those of us who geek out on this stuff, its pretty exciting and encouraging that what was previously dubbed “touchy, feely” is now backed by facts and science, and will be easier to embrace by more “right-brained” types like engineers and scientists who need to see proof in the pudding.

The personal highlight for me was hosting a table discussion in the Open Space Technology area for those attendees wanting to have deeper conversations on topics they were passionate about. This gave a sense of an “unconference,” which was a nice break to all the presentations and speakers taking place on the main stage. The topic I hosted was entitled “Women & Wisdom: Fully Stepping into our Leadership” with a surprisingly large turnout of about 25 women at our small table, wanting to participate and engage in dialogue about women, leadership and power. With 20 other discussions happening all at the same time, I was humbled and pleasantly surprised that this was such an appealing topic for so many. The topic of women was highlighted and addressed a number of times throughout the conference, including a new event to be launched by Wisdom 2.0 especially for women. Other prominent women speakers, like Padamsaree Warrior, CTO at Cisco, Arianna Huffington and Marianne Williamson graced the stage, reminding us what is possible when women embrace their femininity and power at the same time.

I was especially inspired and called into action by Arianna Huffington who spoke about her personal journey, how she embraces her spirituality and balances it with her professional life. Her grace, beauty, charm, wit and brilliance shone through. I was overjoyed to hear her say “It is up to women to redefine success.” Finally a powerful yet feminine woman stating that we need to redefine success – both for women and society at large. It echoed what was discussed during my hosted conversation, namely, the importance of women separating their identity from their achievements and career successes, and looking at what else might be of value like family, meaningful work, flexible work life, and so on. In fact, the emergence of feminine values and qualities in our lives was the recurring theme throughout all of the four days – those of empathy, compassion, mindfulness, inclusion, and inter-connectedness.

And yet it wasn’t until the final day when Marianne Williamson decided to introduce an entirely divergent conversation into the mix, lighting a fire under everyone attending. She gave a call to arms for all of us who live and work in one of the most influential and powerful places on earth, Silicon Valley. She called us forth to take a stand for the many global challenges facing our human species. She challenged the big boys - Google, Facebook, Twitter, and Apple - to come together and pledge to eradicate global hunger in 10 years. The standing ovation she received affirmed what we were all thinking and feeling. After all, she said, it’s all well and good that you have meditation and yoga in your organizations, but if we don’t face these global problems together right this minute, none of that mindfulness stuff is going to matter much. With her fierce passion and conviction, she singlehandedly shifted the conversation about what it really means to be mindful, and how it can compel us as individuals to take a stand and lead the change we want to see in the world. My absolute favorite moment of the entire thing was when she urged women to stop talking about empowerment and to start using their power. We are the ones who are going to lead that change after all, aren't we? Can someone please say, AMEN sister!?

On top of all this intellectual, emotional and spiritual shaking up, the most memorable and impactful for me was the convergence of so many like-minded, conscious and openhearted individuals in one place. Arianna called it the Happiest Place on Earth, mainly because everyone seemed, well, happy. They even screened a movie called Happy. With a yoga room, meditation area, and multiple chill-out lounges, the conference offered something for everyone, but most importantly it offered an opportunity to disconnect from our technology, and connect back to each other in a deep and meaningful way. And nothing can be more valuable than that.

To watch videos of all of the main stage speakers and presenters from Wisdom 2.0, click here: http://wisdom2conference.com/Live-Stream

A New Year, A New Me

2013-01-11T23:33:32Z

It's been an exceptionally long time since I've written a blog entry, so for those of you who are scrolling down my past posts and noticing the dates thinking "she's been slacking," you are pretty accurate! I have been slacking in writing, which ironically is something that I really enjoy and have been told I'm quiet good at. There have been reasons for my silence, mainly a few major life transitions over the last year and a half, and a pretty big surprise in the relationship department (a positive one!) which has left me little or no time for writing or developing my blog. But it's one of my new goals for this year and so I'm not wasting any time to get to it. It's a new year, and time for a new me.

Of course as I plunge back into expressing myself through writing, I'm taking a serious look at the direction I want to take with my blog. I'm noticing myself at odds about the style, tone and content it "should" embody to be "marketable." I want to appeal to my target which is emerging women leaders, without coming off too corporatey and still keeping my authentic voice. After letting the part of my self that is a slight perfectionist who worries what other people think have it out with the side of me that knows that I'm neither a total corporate type, nor a total hippie, but somewhere in the middle, and that I dig spirituality, personal development, and yes even New Agey concepts, I realize that its OK to be me. And it's definitey OK to be me in my writing because that is what people really want. They dont want the same old buttoned up corporate speak that everyone pretends is interesting and pallatable. They want a fresh voice, someone down to earth, who isn't afraid to call it out as it is, and isn't afraid to express who she is.

And what exactly will you be reading about? Well most of it will be centered around women and leadership, particularly around helping women find their true voice, going for what they really want, using their feminine prowress to their advantage, and about how men can support women in their journeys to become better leaders (because there's a lot in it for them too!). Since a lot of my work is centered around the corporate world and I work with a lot of managers (both men and women), I'll make it relevant to business most of the time, but there will be posts that are focused on other topics as well.

So that's what I'm committing myself to this year - a new me who accepts herself and all her myriad interests. And I'm committing to do the same with my blog. You can expect to hear a lot more from me this year. Expect to be pleasantly surprised, shocked or even stirred up in some way. If it isn't for you, the unsubscribe button is below. And if you're moved, then I would love to hear your comments and thoughts so feel free to leave them. Either way, I invite you to take a look at your own inner perfectionist, and dare to express all parts of yourself this year, even the parts you think no one will accept. Go ahead, try it! :)

Expecting the Good Stuff - How to Let Go and Let Love In

2012-08-16T06:51:00Z

What if, for just once, you stopped dreading the worst possible outcome to come sneaking up on you, and instead began to expect the best? Sounds like an outrageous proposition doesn’t it? Most of us spend every waking moment either waiting for something terrible to happen, or waging our bets against it. I’m here to propose a hilariously simple yet almost preposterous alternative: expecting the good stuff.

Recently I’ve been challenged with a complication of the heart - I suck at romance. I’ve always picked the wrong guys, dated the biggest losers, and am attracted to emotionally unavailable men. I definitely know how to pick em. As a coach, this fact doesn’t help me when clients come to me with their relationship issues. Which is why I stay far, far away from the subject – I literally will not take a client that comes to me with relationship issues because of my inability to hack that part of my own life. That's probably why I'm drawn to executive and leadership coaching - all that career stuff is a breeze.

But with a biological clock ticking, and being sick of cooking meals for one, I’ve made several attempts recently to improve this part of my life and have somehow met a decent guy who could potentially be a match. Awesome, right? Wrong! You’re dealing with a 33 year old woman who has been burned badly many a time (I take full responsibility for all of that btw). It’s only been two months since we’ve met, and I am already predicting doom and gloom. We are still in the "getting to know you" phase and I'm picturing complete and utter heart break, followed by many months of agony and despair. It would however then be followed by a triumphant come back where I re-invent myself and conquer the world, but not before some major pain and suffering. And therapy. Yeah, I know how this story ends……

As I was pondering my current situation in my head for the umpteenth time, it dawned on me. Was this a self-fulfilling prophecy? Could it be that the reason this exact scenario kept happening to me was because I fully, without a fraction of a subconscious doubt, was expecting it to blow up in my face? Had I lost my trust in love and men so much that I expected to get hurt even before leaving the starting gate?

What if that expectation was the exact reason I kept getting hurt?

This radical idea was almost too radical for this self-declared spiritual junkie. You’re talking to someone who spends weekends in workshops and retreats in the pursuit of self-improvement. Could it be this simple and how could I have not realized this sooner? Could I break the infinite cycle of disappointment and heartache just by expecting a positive potential future? Was I capable of doing that in the romance department??

All of this was just too much for me to handle – here I am a professional coach who guides people into co-creating awesome lives and careers, who believes people can have ANYTHING they want in life by focusing on the positive and choosing positive beliefs. I give people tools to manifest the life and careers of their dreams. I was so busy helping others, I somehow managed to forget that all of this also applied to me. I was grossly neglecting to apply these tools to the one department that perplexed me to no end….how could this be so?

But alas, even coaches aren’t perfect. No, we are human beings as well, wrought with our own insecurities and fears. Enlightened we are not, but we strive to help others improve their lives and in so doing, we help transform the world one person at a time. It was clear I needed to turn my attention to myself, and begin applying this ancient wisdom to manifest what I truly wanted – Love.

Love is an illusive and abstract state of being – so many poets and authors have tried to describe it, personify it, written stories about it. Most of our songs are about it, films, tv shows, comedy…..we live and breathe this emotion. It’s one of the most complex states we experience as human beings. All of us have our own definition of it, and have experienced it at one point or another in our lives. It’s been a source of heartache and pain for many of us as well. We want more of it, we’ll do anything for it, even kill for it. I personally will fight for love till the very bitter end. Yet describing it is impossible – there is no way to accurately capture the emotion. It’s a feeling – and a very powerful one.

I’m in battle with love. I want it, but I can’t seem to tolerate big amounts of it for a prolonged period of time. I’m a pro at giving it away to whoever wants or needs my love. That part is easy. Getting it back in return – maybe not so much. I push it away before it even has time to blossom to ensure a) I wont lose it and b) It can’t hurt me. At the very thought of being loved by another, I begin drinking a bitter tasting cocktail made up of control, dependency and fear. I assume love will betray me, or at least disappoint me, it could definitely never ever make me happy. Yet I still want it, and will do anything to have it. I am definitely a masochist when it comes to love.

All of us think we want love, but are we really ready to receive it? And how about all the conditions we attach to it? I’ll only be with you if you (fill in the blank). I’ll only love you if you do XYZ. I’ll leave you if you mess up in any little way. I need you to be this certain way, and THEN I’ll love you fully. We put so many conditions and expectations on love, but we expect love to cooperate at all times. It’s like disciplining a small child – we think we’re in control, but anyone who has a three year old knows who’s really in charge.

How can something as powerful as love be controlled? Why do we think, as mere human beings, that we are somehow above this almighty force? That we can manipulate it and control it and at the same time gain more of it? And how do we expect to have more of it if we fundamentally don’t trust it in the first place?

The realization is simple yet profound – don’t try to control love, and don’t expect it to disappoint you and it just might not. Expect the best possible outcome – expect to be pleasantly surprised. Think about how amazing it will feel to be truly loved and to receive love. And don’t worry about the future, because worrying never leads to anything good. Allow the co-creative force of love to come in, take over and work it’s magic. Trust the intelligence of love. It’s grander and more infinite than we can even imagine. There’s nothing else for you to do besides sit back, enjoy the ride and be in gratitude for love’s presence. And quit expecting the worst!

Upcoming Workshop: Creating Positive Relationships

2011-11-04T11:17:38Z

Creating Positive Relationships: How to Communicate Compassionately

In this experiential half-day workshop, led by executive coaches Monique Svazlian and Louise Evans, we will explore a new way of showing up in the world that can lead to a greater understanding about ourselves and the people in our lives. Developing healthy relationships, whether they be at home or work, are one of the keys to determining our general happiness. A breakdown in communication is usually the number one reason leading to conflict. We will examine new techniques based on Compassionate Communication to give us new tools to handle conflict better.

In this workshop, you will learn how to:

-Recognize your habitual patters of response in conflict situations

-Resource your body for clues on how to engage with conflict

-Develop empathy for yourself and others

-Use compassionate communication techniques

-Develop stronger and healthier relationships

Date: Saturday, November 19^th

Time: 9:30am – 1:30pm

Location: NH President Hotel, Largo Agosto 10, 20122 Milano - MM Duomo or San Babila

Price: €75, price includes a 25% discount specially for PWA members

Space is limited to 12 participants, so please register early if you are interested in attending. For more information or to RSVP, please email monique@highestpath.com

Monique Svazlian, CPCC, ACC, Leadership Coach & Trainer, specializes in developing authenticity and embodied leadership presence in women and teams who are working towards sustainability.

Louise Evans is based in Florence and works as an intercultural trainer/consultant and global executive coach with individuals and teams in international organizations. For more info on Louise go to: http://www.steppingstones.it

The Unique Qualities of a Self-Made Billionaire

2011-07-12T13:41:33Z

It’s not every day you get the chance to hear someone like Sir Richard Branson speak in the flesh. I recently had the rare opportunity when I found myself by chance at the National Achievers Congress in London, where the likes of Anthony Robbins, Lord Allen Sugar and others taught their personal secrets to becoming ridiculously rich. You can imagine how it might have felt to be in a room with 8000 other motivated individuals, on the edge of their seats, listening to every word these men had to say. I was on the edge of mine when it finally came time to hear Sir Richard interviewed by Michael Burke, as part of the closing keynote to the conference.

As I listened to Sir Richard speak about the qualities which led him to his virtually multi-billion dollar empire, I was struck by the difference in his tone compared to the other presenters – most of whom seemed driven and motivated to make as much money as humanely possible by the sheer need to overcome financial hardships. When asked what the single characteristic that has made him what he is, he replied: “I love people, and I was brought up by my parents to look to the best in people,” which he went on to say was one of the most important attributes of a successful leader. “Looking for the best in people, praising people….people flourish. “If you can build a great team of people around you, if they believe in the difference you’re trying to make, you can build a great company.”

And he has – starting with Virgin Records, and now with over 400 companies and $4.2 billion dollars in net worth, Sir Richard Branson has done what few people dare to even dream. In a recent article in Entrepeneur Magazine, he talks about how empowering young talent, even if they have little experience, is the way to grow a company. "Virgin's ability to grow and diversify successfully was set in the company's early days, with my learning how to delegate and let go. When employees tell you about their good ideas for the business, don't limit your response.... ask those people to lead their projects and take responsibility for them. From those experiences, they will then have built the confidence to take on more and you can take a further step back."

So how does a regular, middle class boy from the countryside of Surrey, who is in fact dyslexic and failed maths in school, get to be one of the most successful billionaires of our time?

“From a very young age I wanted to create something and make a difference.” This seems to be the key driving force behind everything Branson has created, with the idea of taking something and making it better. Take Virgin Airlines for instance –an airline that not only offers quality service but something unique, like video screens in the backs of chairs for entertainment. This idea didn’t come cheaply, but through creative partnerships and financing, Branson was able to make his vision a reality which singlehandedly raised the quality standards for the entire airline industry.

Creativity goes hand in hand with being nimble and flexible, holding the big vision and maintaining foresight to deal with financial challenges. Surviving three recessions as well as 9/11 and still managing to come out on top requires all those things. To keep Virgin Atlantic afloat during the downturn of the airline industry, he was forced to sell some assets to retain liquidity and had to let go a number of employees as a short-term solution. But there was a caveat: a promise to re-hire the staff that was let go the moment things were fixed. Within 12 months, everyone was rehired. How would you have liked to be one of those people working for Richard Branson at that time?

But Sir Richard has always been unconventional, dabbling in completely different industries, from music, to airlines, to health and fitness….and even condoms, although not using the Virgin brand itself for that one. He describes Virgin as a “lifestyle” brand, and defends his diverse portfolio of businesses as his love for learning new things and being curious about how things work.

Of course no billionaire can survive without having a sense of humor, and Branson has that too…dressing up in drag as a bride when he had the bright idea of launching “Virgin Brides.” That one didn’t make the final cut.

Having reached this much success and having a private island to enjoy it all from doesn’t keep Branson from reaching for more. His next big idea: Virgin Galactic – the first commercial shuttle into space will be ready to launch in close to 15 months. I know I’m waiting for the price of that ticket to come down from the initial price of $200K– which Branson believes will happen over time, making it completely affordable for regular people to take a ride into space.

And he continues to make a difference – with Virgin Unite working with children in third world countries, and a group called the “Elders” made up of Nelson Mandela and others whose main purpose is to stop conflicts from emerging in hot areas in the world. All this is driven by Branson’s ability to stay human amongst his great wealth and his commitment to make the world a better place.

Now imagine if ALL business leaders were like Sir Richard Branson? What do you think would be different in the economy and in the world today if we ALL cared about our employees, treated them like our own, and were dedicated to having our teams flourish and thrive? What would be different if empathy, compassion, and humility were the main values in business today?

Human business IS the business of tomorrow. And Sir Richard Branson embodies just that. Hat’s off Sir.

4 Years. Go.

2011-03-18T14:42:42Z

I was recently reading the newsletter from the President of CTI, Karen Kimsey-House, updating on the recent CTI Summit that took place in Florida. I knew some great big juicy things had happened at the Summit and I wanted more info!

For those of you who don't know much about CTI, The Coaches Training Institute, at the core of everything they do, which is coach and leadership training, stands a fundamental vision - a vision of transformation for the world. This is why I love the school, the leaders inside CTI, the people I've met, and the huge shifts I've personally undergone through my training there. It's a feeling that there is something bigger than us that draws us to this work, this "unidentified" calling within. For me, I've come to identify it was a wanting for personal and global transformation each time I dig around to find out what that little voice is saying as it trys to get my attention. As much as I try to ignore it, it never succeeds in going away fully. And as I was reading Karen's newsletter, I was again reminded why its impossible to ignore the voice.

4 Years. Go is an awareness project about the opportunity we all have as global citiznes to make change happen, one person at a time. Think ad campaign, but instead of promoting Nike, this time it's about promoting Earth. You know, that planet we all live on. Yes, Mother Earth - our precious, vast, beautiful, perfect and fragile Home. The one that we have somehow managed to abuse, pollute, disfigure and disrespect through 100's of years of advancement. 6 Billion people later, we're slowly waking up to the message our Mother is trying to send us with each earthquake, flood, hurricane or tornado. How many more Japan's is going to take for us to WAKE UP?

I was so moved and inspired by the vision and mission of 4 Years Go, I have now made it a personal initiative to spread this compelling message to everyone I know. I'd like to ask you to watch their powerful video and also commit to changing the course of history, before it is too late. You can pledge your commitment directly on their site at 4 Years.Go. I'd also recommend watching the longer video on the Philosophy page that gives you a bit more background on the project, and the larger vision they have planned.

I believe we can change the world in 4 years, and I invite you to join me.